Afraid to Blog

I'm afraid to blog. I know, that's sounds a bit absurd but I have been missing writing in this format for months and although I've told myself, "Wait until your sabbatical is officially over June 1st" and "Wait until the new blog is up at Comfortqueen.com so you don't have to import any more text" I know that's bull hockey. 

I'm afraid to write. I'm afraid to create. I have never been so afraid to create, I don't think, in my life. I've become the queen of busy work and I'm pissed at myself.

What am I afraid of?
Do I really care?  Naming what I'm afraid of feels so boring and so besides the point. Because the point is: I need to create to live and life doesn't feel good when I'm not.  But one night, when I wasn't looking, even in the midst of my retreat (more on that later but not this post or I will never push publish) my old nemesis "BE PRODUCTIVE"  latched on  to me and has been riding me raw ever since. 

Developmental psychology posits that when we are destabilized, we regress to the level of development where we last felt stable. Because all development happens in waves, we surge forward or upward into more complex ways of being (think of learning a musical instrument) and then when life presses on us (in positive and negative ways), we fall back (you suddenly can't remember that chord progression for the life of you). My stress has been overwhelming miraculously positive (I've fallen madly in love) .  I'm feeling so much joy and letting go in my body and heart -- you might think that would translate to wild abandon with pen and paper and ideas and you know what, you be wrong! Feeling so much joy has destabilized me and sent me back to a former, more stable, but much less satisfying way of being creative: be productive, get things done, worry about money, no time to play, etc.

So here I am, writing this to create something. I've also been art journaling and making weird messy paintings.

Off to exercise and then family night - yes, blended family dates are happening, he has a 11 year old, the sweetest coolest boy in the universe.

Ah... Breathe, Jen, it's all going to be okay.