LoudenMouth

Raw Radical UnRuly Dreams - Part 2

I didn't know this but on September 2007 when I declared a nine-month retreat--sabbatical, what I was really declaring was, "Where do I go when now that I've gotten to the end of my dreams?" At the time, my dreams seemed fine, thank you very much, but as I moved into less and less doing, I found my time off was becoming more and more about shedding and letting go: of outmoded dreams, of dreams that are so threadbare, they can't even float on the River Denial anymore, of "should" dreams and good idea dreams and dreams other well-meaning people have for me. It's turned into a dream heaving festival over here. Watch out because when you start such a process, the gods and goddesses love to jump in and help--my husband has shed our marriage, Spring Air shed me as a spokesperson and Body+Soul as a columnist. Oh bloody hell, I want to go back to what was known, to what was safe--help! But the worse thing one can do is stop the process mid-way through. I've done that several times before and where did I end up? Watch a current presidential debate and you'll get a good idea: same old, same old. Boring. Trapped. Nothing raw, radical or unruly to be had.

I write this from my shedding nadir where the only dreams left on my list are: Reawaken the feminine, open my whole heart to Love, and create art with abandon and only for myself. Read those three again—see how beautifully interrelated they are? That astonishes me. And see how clearly tending to these will provide the energy for more specific dreams like rewriting my novel? And guess what? Art is the way in to it all, the way in and the way out. So this is what I'm trying:

• Open my big cheap art journal on my art table
• Put out some random paints, water, couple of brushes, oil pastels, water soluble crayons, alphabet stamps
• Glance slowly with soft eyes at one art book (current favorite Hans Hoffman), read two or three poems (current favorite Pablo Neruda odes), put on some music (Always favorite: Krishna Das).
• Feel into the space around me, behind me, in front of me, above me, below me.
• Ask Spirit to get me out of the way. Ask Spirit to fill me.
• Tell my small self, "It's only for ten minutes. Nothing bad can happen in ten minutes."
• See what emerges. Not for the sake of dreaming new dreams or getting anywhere but for the sake of being open.

We can dream our way through the wardrobe door, down the rabbit hole, out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing into a fresh field of learning and possibilities (to appropriate the Persian mystic poet Rumi) but only if we are willing to ask, "Where am I willing to go when I get to the end of my dreams?"

Footnotes:
* Diagnostic new age guru Louise Hay claims foot problems signify a fear of the future and not wanting to step forward into life. For me, my very sprained big toe came about because I was hurrying and I'll buy I'm afraid to step forward so I see my sore toe as a lovely symbol of needing to rest and let go of everything, including fear.

* Child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim posited that grappling with horrible tales (he primarily studied fairy tales) gives children an outlet for natural angst and anxiety which makes me wonder if so many truly horrific horror movies are being consumed by teenagers right now because their anxiety about the future has left the building along with Elvis.

Raw Radical UnRuly Dreams - Part 1

          

“Where do you go when you get to the end of your dreams?”                    Dan Fogelberg

    I was on hold with my local clinic about my big toe – which stubbornly is not healing*—when I realized I was hearing a Dan Fogelberg song from my youth. In fact, the song coming over the phone had been the soundtrack for my 16th summer, a time when I was bursting with hopeful itchy angst, stuck between yearning for newness, for life, to be in life yet completely unsure what I wanted from life. As I listened to Dan croon (what a crush I had on him: the original sensitive man!) it struck me that how I felt my16th summer was very similar to how I felt now, some 29 years later, and that Dan’s question was perfect for me – and maybe for you, too. Where do you go when you get to the end of your dreams?  (I realize now the station was playing Dan because he died Monday of cancer at 56.)

    I’ve run out of dreams. It’s very scary to admit that because in this microcosm culture of personal growth and coaching where I spend a lot of my time, it’s all about possibilities. Declaring, “Hey, I’m tired of growth. I don’t want to live my best life. I just want to curl up and do nothing,” feels so unrealized. It also smacks of the S word-selfish. “Dreams are the food of the soul. In our existence, we often see dreams come undone, yet it is necessary to go on dreaming, otherwise the soul dies and agape does not penetrate it” rhapsodizes novelist Paulo Coelho in his Ode magazine column (January/February 2008). Yes, I say to Paul yes but where does the letting go, cleaning out, dropping-into-nothingness-stage of dreaming fit?  In our love affair with self-improvement and efficiency, have we forgotten this aspect? If you and I don’t attend to not dreaming, do we block the ability to conjure truly new dreams? If I lack the courage to peer at my dreams and ask hard questions like:
“What commitment am I willing to make?
What price am I willing to pay?
What courage is required of me right now?’ (Questions courtesy of The Answer to How is Yes by Peter Block), what is the result? If I lack the stamina to be restfully fallow (say that three times really fast), do my dreams cease being dreams and become should-filled bland heavy nightmares? If I only dream, do my dreams become only delusions?

    I believe many of us have gotten to the end of our dreams—I certainly think our American culture has reached the end of something. Partially this may be because we have relentlessly, brutally pushed ourselves. Faster, faster, grab the golden ring! Keep moving, keep buying, keep trying because if you don’t, you’ll be left behind. Our collective well has more than run dry; we’ve pushed clear through to China and out into empty space. Consider our political landscape, our national depression rate, and the number of horror movies leering from the New Movie wall at the video store* as proof positive. We want to dream radical raw dreams, we want to feel desire, we want to believe in new beginnings but we’re too tired from doing, from pushing, and those optimists among us, from dreaming.

Stay tuned for Part 2

What Sustains You During the Darkness?

Oh this the dark time, the crunchy empty flatness of burning away everything-- and the art of self-care to sustain me.

How do you practice your self-care art?   Do tell, please!

But first..
BOOK SALE
Buy The Life Organizer: A Woman’s Guide to a Mindful Year and get a 
FREE Life Organizer Companion CD!  Save $14.99

Buy Comfort Secrets for Busy Women and get a FREE journal  Save $6.95

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Retreat: Listening to the Question (mp3) Save  $12.95

Buy anything else and get 35% off*!! Use the coupon code "holidays".

*Sorry no discount on our Specialty Items.

ART JOURNALING RETREAT
The always inspiring Teesha Moore of ArtFest fame is offering an art journaling retreat called Play January 31-Feb 4, 2008 in Port Townsend, Washington.  I’m hoping to go — and there are only a few spaces left so download the particulars right at the top of this page.
Tell Teesha I sent you!!!

YOGA FOR DEPRESSION RETREAT
January 5th – 12th, 2008
Tucson, Arizona
And this year I'll be offering a mini-workshop one night! So you get a little me with a lot of other excellent, wise, restorative experience and learning. And if you are a yoga teacher or therapist of any kind, this is also a training for teaching LifeForce yoga. My evening presentation will draw on journaling, laughter, small group discussion, and who knows what else to help us conceive of self-care and self-nurturing in the light of being one with the Divine and each other, while creating practices that can sustain the changes in our brains and bodies that allow us to feel whole. It's self-care for depression and anxiety.

I can't say enough good things about this retreat. It nurtured me out of my depression following my Dad's death and I'm turning to Amy's gently transformational work again this year. From early morning yoga practice to an enriching evening program, your day will be filled with gentle yoga ways to dissolve the obstacles that block the flow of your own healing energy. In an environment of love and acceptance, you'll learn breathing practices to meet your mood and constitution and an attainable sequence of postures. You'll return home feeling refreshed, renewed and excited about your practice with new tools to work with your mood. Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy Sessions and massage will be available.

FROM WAVERLY at the SCHOOL OF THE SEASONS
        Full moon, where will you be going from here?
                Into retreat.
        Why do you take a retreat after your fullness?
To make myself an empty cup in order to rise again.
---Inayat Khan