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Desire, Mood and Shoulds

I'm wondering and thinking and experimenting with this idea of desire as separate from mood. It continues to excite and free me... and then that niggely nasty word should comes creeping in the door... and confuses me a tad...

I should make this retreat deeper and richer.
I should be meditating more, asking for guidance more (or at all!).
I should be using my time more wisely.

        The language of should can be (mostly is) so automatic that is it the linguistic structure that helps create the mood of not wanting? If so, where does it come from? I 've always loved the idea that it's a way that women have been taught to give up their sovereignty and power--by shoulding on ourselves we put the power to decide our lives out there, with them.  Given that desire and power are intimately interrelated, it doesn't surprise me that when I claim my desire by asking "What do I want?" then the shoulds come sneaking around, eroding the feeling of desire so that it becomes grim or flat.

    I'd love to hear your thoughts on this -- feel free to be inarticulate like me!

~~~~~~~~~~
And now a poem that has sharply reminded me why I'm on retreat and why I need to recommit to my time in the void:

Flowers of a Moment by Ko Un

It is said that nothing can become new,
unless it first turns to ashes.
For a whole decade,
my misfortune was not having turned to ashes.

Burning a mound of dead leaves in late autumn I want to weep.

     Translated from Korean by Brother Anthony of Taise', Young-moo Kim, and Gary Gach

As I wrote a few moments ago in an email to a friend, "My job these days is to burn everything I have been unwilling to  burn in the past — all the times I stepped back from the edge and didn’t let go when I knew I needed to-- let go of work, identity, relationships... I must burn this time and I’ve been hiding from doing that since I began this retreat, at least a bit."

Burn, more burning? ARGH!!!!!

Desire Vs. Mood

I have been chewing on the latest issue of my friend's Michael Neill's ezine - okay, not literally chewing - because it may help you if you've read my last two books and because I'm having such a hard time with this so-called retreat I'm in the midst of.

A bit from Michael's newsletter:
"In 'You Can Have What You Want",' {his very useful and powerful book} I identified three keys to
recognizing that you are living an inspired life:

1. You are doing what you love and want to do

2. You feel guided

3. Things seem to unfold as if by design

I then suggest that in order to get to this point, there are really only two things you need to do - consistently ask yourself "What would I love to do today?" and whenever possible,
do it."   

W
hich is the major theme of The Life Organizer, my hope is the weekly questions keep bringing you back to desire, true deep desire, and helping you see it and hear it and feel it.

But here is where I have gotten tied in a knot which is confusing desire with mood. My mood these days is low - I'm doing a ton of deep grieving - and that low mood convinces me I don't want anything.  That mood likes to say, "What the point of anything?" So this nine month retreat I'm in the midst of is is being eked away, without renewal happening, because I don't feel like renewing!  (And this lack of deep renewal is also because life and work goes on and I've been subscribing to the swaths of time theory, which is another retreat boondoggle i.e. don't wait for them, those swaths of time are often deadly anyway). Then enter Michael's brilliant distinction which is...

"...the difference between navigating by desire and navigating by
mood.

Navigating by desire means you base your decisions about what to do or not do on the question "Do I want to?".  If the answer is yes', you do your best to move forward; if the answer is 'no', you do your best to stand pat.

Navigating by mood, on the other hand, is when you attempt to base your decisions on the answer to the question "Do I feel like it?".  If you don't feel like doing something, you put it off until later; if you do feel like it, you move forward.

While at first these two ways of making decisions seem similar, they take people in two completely different directions.  Since our moods are often tied up in old habits and patterns of
thinking, following them tends to just create more of the "same old, same old" in our lives.  Somehow, we just don't get around to making those changes we know we'd love to make, and things that seem like they'll take too much effort are put off until the last minute or don't get done at all.

Your wanting, however, is a living, breathing, fluid process. Each time you do what you want (or don't do what you don't want to do), your actions seem  effortless and inspired ideas become
almost commonplace.  Over time, it becomes easier and easier to read and follow your inner compass. Life gets a lot simpler, and the pursuit of success becomes a lot more fun.

Today's experiment is a simple one:

This week, before deciding on any course of action, ask yourself "Do I want to?"  Wherever possible, allow your answer to influence your decision and guide your choices.

Do this irrespective of whether or not you're "in the mood" - if you do, you'll notice that your mood begins to change "all by itself".  "

Desire says, "Let's write" or "Let's paint" or "Let's call a friend and then Mood says, "Why bother?" In that moment between the two impluses, there is choice!

What might happen for you today if you became very curious about the distinction between mood and desire and if you remembered that moods are always malleable, even when we are depressed or have PMS or are otherwise sunk in the mire.

"
You are what your deep driving desire is.  As your desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed.  As your deed is, so is your destiny."  From The Upanishads 

True Calling

I loved this quote from Mark Silver's newsletter this morning. If you don't subscribe, do!

"You don't need to express every last bit of creativity and who you
are in your business. You just have to enjoy it, and be willing to
bring your heart into it."  Mark Silver

Middlemarch

I'm rereading, for first time since high school or college, Middlemarch by George Eliot.  I've wanted to for a long while as one of the main characters, Dorothea, has informed my main character of Jane (in my yet to be rewritten novel) but I lacked the mind space to pay attention to Eliot's intricate dead-on observations of human  nature, love, and the desire to live a worthy life. This is not a book you can sleepwalk through for even a paragraph. I'm pleased to say I seem to have the mindspace right now.  I read this today and I thought  you might find it worthwhile:

"The best piety is to enjoy--when you can. You are doing the most then to save the earth's character as an agreeable planet. And enjoyment radiates.  It is of no use to try and take care of all the world; that is being taken care of when you feel delight--in art or in anything else."

I believe this to be true, and that while we cannot rest in delight alone, without taking action on the behalf of injustice, without delight infusing our life, without desire, without fun, the actions we take are both unsustainable (we burn out) and less effective in a way--think dour do it my way help versus laughing unattached to outcome help.

What do you think?



Ice Floe

My retreat is...

disorienting
lonely
exalted
gratitude tinged
perfectly timed for the changes that have overtaken my life
boring
easily frittered away
dependent on /created by intention, therefore given to slipperiness as in "What am I doing?" and thus a perfect mirror for life!
revealing: a day off "nothing" is not very long unless one is intentional!
dangerous feeling - is it truly okay to come back from a walk with Ann and then sit in the driveway and talk and then decide to go have breakfast - and in a restaurant! With the dogs in the car????

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jen_octopus
Halloween - I'm too vain to post the pictures of me with a distorted face, frightening the kids. It's one of my fav holidays - so subversive! People you don't know knock on your door and demand candy!







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May you restore the burden of mystery, the comfort
of truth
through the aura of sacred practices,
and
    lingering in the tearooms of poetry,
    jubilant tap dancing in the shared courtyard of peace,
    gulping from tall-stemmed cups the breath of love

Always returning to, always remembering, the beloved Source.



Question: What are your beloved sources? What do you remember when you remember?