Desire, Mood and Shoulds

I'm wondering and thinking and experimenting with this idea of desire as separate from mood. It continues to excite and free me... and then that niggely nasty word should comes creeping in the door... and confuses me a tad...

I should make this retreat deeper and richer.
I should be meditating more, asking for guidance more (or at all!).
I should be using my time more wisely.

        The language of should can be (mostly is) so automatic that is it the linguistic structure that helps create the mood of not wanting? If so, where does it come from? I 've always loved the idea that it's a way that women have been taught to give up their sovereignty and power--by shoulding on ourselves we put the power to decide our lives out there, with them.  Given that desire and power are intimately interrelated, it doesn't surprise me that when I claim my desire by asking "What do I want?" then the shoulds come sneaking around, eroding the feeling of desire so that it becomes grim or flat.

    I'd love to hear your thoughts on this -- feel free to be inarticulate like me!

~~~~~~~~~~
And now a poem that has sharply reminded me why I'm on retreat and why I need to recommit to my time in the void:

Flowers of a Moment by Ko Un

It is said that nothing can become new,
unless it first turns to ashes.
For a whole decade,
my misfortune was not having turned to ashes.

Burning a mound of dead leaves in late autumn I want to weep.

     Translated from Korean by Brother Anthony of Taise', Young-moo Kim, and Gary Gach

As I wrote a few moments ago in an email to a friend, "My job these days is to burn everything I have been unwilling to  burn in the past — all the times I stepped back from the edge and didn’t let go when I knew I needed to-- let go of work, identity, relationships... I must burn this time and I’ve been hiding from doing that since I began this retreat, at least a bit."

Burn, more burning? ARGH!!!!!

Comments

[Mona]

At one of the workshops I went to the presenter told us that there are some cultures (wish I remembered which ones) that don't even have a word in their language that means "should". Isn't that amazing? They don't even speak in a way that they have a need for a word that does the same thing as "should".

You should do that. I should have done that. I should be more thoughtful. People should be nice.

They don't even have references for those kinds of sentiments. Wow...

Just more proof that shoulds aren't really true in the grand scheme of things. In some parts of the world they don't even exist! It's up to us about whether we make them exist in our own worlds...

Another thing about shoulds...

When I'm feeling confused, upset, stressed, shoulds are about changing what is. (That shouldn't have happened. I think in the future it should be this way.) What's happening now is not okay.

When I'm feeling clear, centered, and sane...shoulds are about what is. (It should be raining because it is. I should have said that because I did.) It's about noticing what's going on now and seeing that it should be happening in this moment because it is.

So when we find ourselves out of the present moment (following a Should somewhere) we can bring ourselves back to the present moment by finding the "what is" aspect of the should.

Example:

I should go deeper with this retreat. (Thought takes us into the future.)

What's the reality? Are you going deeper with the retreat than you are? No. So far, you're going as deep as you've gone and not a smidgen deeper. That's what is.

So the "what is" should is: I shouldn't go deeper with this retreat...because I haven't...yet. This is what's true now. And it doesn't mean that it won't change, but right now, it's what is. You shouldn't go deeper with the retreat...and you should be doing the retreat that way you're doing it. (Also what is.) These kinds of shoulds show us the way of what's true in reality.

An example for myself so I can hear it:

I should have finished my book a long time ago. (Take me into the past.)

What's the reality? The book is not done yet.

Find the "what is" should: I should not have finished my book a long time ago. (This is true! Because I didn't.)

It makes me smile to think of someone coming up to me and saying, "You shouldn't have finished your book yet." I'd smile and say, "Cool! That's good to hear because I haven't finished it." :-)

[Madeline]

There was a time I was in a space similar to yours.. on my own retreat time, I mostly slept a whole lot of extra hours.I read books, I wandered around art shops, libraries, I didn't meditate as much as I "should have" I didn't develop a yoga practice like I thought i would or "should."

When I stepped out of retreat to take on some "simple" sork that I hated, I had a common cold progress to pneumonia, slapped me down for a month and wow-- I quickly learned THAT LESSON. RETREAT means RETREAT.

So-- give up the shoulds. Oh yeah,I baked and cooked a lot too, cause it makes me feel really happy to do that..

As I came out of retreat, I re entered my astrology practice, in a smaller way, and I revised how I want to do some work in women's health care..I got very very clear on HOW MANY HORUS and HOW MUCH ENERGY I will devote to ""others" and how much time I need for myself. But all that came AFTER the extra rest and wandering around time.

It turns out the amt. of time and space I need for ME and my family is MUCH MORE than it used to be..

NOW that I am OUT OF RETREAT,I am energized again to develop the yoga practice, and I do meditate daily..

it all comes in it's own cycle.

Try to relax, enjoy your days and nights, and just pay more, rest more, and do what you FEEL LIKE for a while, maybe a long while.!
BLESSINGS AND HUGS!
MADELINE

[Madeline]

SO many typos--so early in the morning here in Arizona! Sorry! Blessings again! Madeline

[Julie Jordan Scott]

This burning and fire metaphor continues to pop up for me. Almost surreal in the syncronicity, except syncronicity is so delightedly NOT surreal. (I think I am trying to make you feel better by writing such gobbledy gook!)

I crouched near the floor crying with my son yesterday, screaming silently from deep in my gut, "They don't tell you about this part!" I realize now I was burning then.

Last week at poetry group I read Rumi's "Burnt Kabob"

"Last year, I gazed at the fire.
This year I’m burnt kabob."

Here is the poem in its entirety:

Burnt Kabob

Last year, I admired wines. This,
I’m wandering inside the red world.

Last year, I gazed at the fire.
This year I’m burnt kabob.

Thirst drove me down to the water
where I drank the moon’s reflection.

Now I am a lion staring up totally
lost in love with the thing itself.

Don’t ask questions about longing.
Look in my face.

Soul drunk, body ruined, these two
sit helpless in a wrecked wagon.
Neither knows how to fix it.

And my heart, I’d say it was more
like a donkey sunk in a mudhole,
struggling and miring deeper.
But listen to me: for one moment,
quit being sad. Hear blessings
dropping their blossoms
around you. God.

(Rumi truly knows me, and apparently he knows you, too.)

Love you, dear Jen. Keep being you.

[ann]

Reading about "shoulding", I am reminded of the story you told me this morning about Jung saying we will talk about and expose and belabor our neurosis until the cows come home (probably not a direct Jungian quote, can't remember his having a position on cows returning) but we will fight to the bitter end to fend off any suggestions of our "gold" (beauty). Something like that. Occurs to me that "shoulds" work so effectively at reminding us of how bad we are, and as such, are a comfort (the tightly woven blankie of our character flaws). (Ah, I could snuggle down now in its tempting warmth, as I "should" be doing something "productive" at my desk!)
Another slant on "should", the age old possibility of substituting "could" for "should". I "could" do my desk work, that implies to me that I have a choice - I also "could not" do my desk work, it's up to me. (I am choosing to continue commenting.) What happens if we consider "should" more reflective of a mood and particular world view, and "could" as a relative of desire?
Another quick thought: what are the relationships between "should", "could" and curiosity???
Now I'm choosing to press post.

[Rebecca]

It is so easy to overthink something - even retreat. Jennifer - you can't do it wrong. Oh, there are many definitions for retreat - just like everything else, for each person it is different. Don't worry about following the "traditional" definitions of retreat. Just identify a beginning and an end. What comes in between is totally open. Because what I know for sure is that after your retreat it will be those things which you thought didn't belong or were a waste of time that will more then likely, in retrospect, be the most meaningful and teach you the most. We don't know when we're growing - we don't suddenly sit up and say "oh, I've just grown an inch or just learned something". More often then not we notice later on that we're taller or recognize something we now know that we didn't. Somehow all the good, bad and indifferent add up to a whole greater then its part.

[ann]

"What is to give light must endure burning" - Viktor Frankl

[Jennifer Louden]

Mona - I adore your take on shoulds! Very very helpful and reminds me of Molly Gordon's work with The Work. I shouldn't have gone any deeper or different into this retreat because I haven't." Very comforting.

Madeline - What a great story and what luscious permission to let this time be what it is - although of course, the worrier in me says "If i/ emerge wanting and needing to work less, how will i afford my life?" i know, thoughts take us into the future.

Julie - I'm with you in grieving. I've complained about loss this summer and fall, how tired i am of it... how aware i am that if we aren't careful as we age and our hearts are broken by those we love leaving us, in death and divorce and other d-words, we can become so bitter and closed. i trust that we are both letting grief tenderize us like my mom tenderized meat with a wooden mallet.

Rebecca - Yes, yes, yes. Wait watch stay present don't judge what is.

Ann - Thanks my dearest for choosing me!

[Beth]

When I started a new job in June, I negotiated for August off. I thought this is when I would really get myself organized for losing weight, take the time for long, long walks, start a real mediation practice, finally do some Yoga at home, clear out all the clutter, or at least some of it, write, read many books and sleep.

I did none of that (except the sleeping part). I was relaxed, hung out with my kids and...well I am not sure what else. What I realized was even when I am not working I don't have time in my life for those things right now. Instead of being angry and frustrated, as I had been, after the retreat, I began to let go of the expectations that I should to do all those things (even though I want and desire those things as well).

I didn't dwell on the "failure" of my mini-retreat. I just kind of looked at it and decided the lesson was to release myself from a lot of expectations that I had been using to beat myself up with.

My wish for you is that let go of the shoulds (which you are in the process of doing) and let this time evolve as it does. The greatest part of retreat for me is being able to say no to the shoulds - even of the alternative isn't what we originally envisioned.

[chris]

Hi Jen,

First off, I just want to say how much I love you! I attended your Writer's Spa in Taos in 2006, and have been reading more and more of your stuff since then and have been wanting to post with you for awhile. I also feel, as obviously many women have, how you speak to our collective women's soul and are so tuned in to what we are all hungering for. Thank You for being a beacon and a lightning rod and of course we all know what happens to lightning rods! So, yes, burn baby burn. Burn up all those shoulds and those expectations about how it's supposed to be, how YOU'RE supposed to be.

Yes, I think you are right. The should's are just one more way that we are kept in our place as "good girls" and not encouraged and welcomed as the wild, passionate, desirefull, powerful women that we are. As women who know what we want and give free rein to those desires to lead us.

Earlier this year I was on kind of an enforced retreat. I have my own business, like you, as a coach, counselor, teacher, and workshop leader and for about 5 months during the spring and summer everything just about dried up. And I was left with all this time on my hands and I wandered around in circles, and I was scared and I laid upon the earth and cried and "wasted" goddess knows how much time in that amorphous place of not knowing, thinking that I should be doing something more, and was singularly "unproductive'. But I was also, slowly, so agonizingly slowly, finding my way back to my own wishes and impulses and yearnings. In the middle of the muddle I did eventually start to find that smoking center of my own desire.

I have come out of that "retreat" place ( although i was not so wise as you as to consciously choose it), and I am so much more on fire and so much more only doing what I WANT to do and boy oh boy, is it ever scary and weirdly, weirdly unfamiliar... I keep looking in the mirror and asking is this really me?? And i don't know where it's going to take me, and that's scary too. What is this really going to mean in the long run, to actually live my life from what I want? But, I gotta say, it is a heckuva lot more fun. I'm even getting my sex drive back! I don't know, maybe it's just the long awaited post menopausal zest. But hang in there. It sounds like you are doing just great!

[Brandie]

I love the image of the burning. It's like when the forest burns and then the charred trees and lives fertilize the earth and produce even more life than was there before. Makes me want to have a bonfire and yell at it everything that I want to burn away!

[Shar]

Jen,
I am new to your community, but I feel that I found it by providence tonight. I'm not up to speed on the backstory, only that you are on retreat right now. I can say that I met your through your wonderful book a few years ago (Women's Comfort Book) and it came across my path when I needed it the most.
What sustains me through darkness...turning on the light! Be it inwardly or the glow of a candle that immediately allow me to feel the presence of God and know that I am not alone on my journey. And that this journey is a necessary one because whether by choice or by chance, I find myself on the "road less travelled".
Last year I turned 51 and my mind and body refused to work 14 hour days and be on the phone from sun up to midnight. It was almost as though I became someone else. My joy for my work dried up. I only wanted to go back to the "womb". I had just moved into my new home in the country where things were quiet and peaceful and my home felt so nurturing and tranquil and serene. I made a decision to first take 2 weeks off, but it turned into 6 months. I couldn't really afford to be off that long, but I felt I couldn't afford NOT to be off. My soul was requiring this of me; my heart was requiring this of me and my body was requiring this of me. I didn't want to be bothered and I took to the comfort of my bed with my lime green journal, colored markers and pencils. I journaled, stayed in flannel pajamas alot, listened to classical music, slept, wrote and I could "hear myself" for the first time in a long time. On the road to success sometimes the inner drummer gets drowned out from the demands of clients and serving others. I realized that although I had helped hundreds of other people be empowered and inspired, I myself was empty on zero and had swept my own stuff under the rug.
I experienced a Metamorphosis during this time off. I drafted a new blueprint for my life. I made a list of all the things I needed to make amends on. I started facing the things I swept under the rug. I paid back the people I filed in bankruptcy almost 20 years ago. I wrote letters of gratitude and asking for and giving forgiveness. This was liberating because I got the "other side of the story" or what happened to the other person, which is the part you never get unless you go back to make things right. My heart opened, my spirit opened, and I felt the shift take place in my life. I "squared my life" and put it back in balance and harmony. It started off with me feeling very uncomfortable and perhaps I had some depression. I had four visits with a counselor and I got two powerful revelations...I already was the person I was "trying" to be and that depression is anger turned inward.
Underneath all of my success and empowerment was an underlying belief that I could not face my life or move forward any further. It was as though their were no more mountains to climb or that I had climbed as high as I was able to and would never be able to go any farther. This is long, but I only include all of this (which may not even apply to you) to say this.
I came out of my "Metamorphosis" with a mission. I was fully "awake". I started a movement to touch 100,000 other women and help them fast forward through the tough spots in life and to encourage and inspire them to become the woman they were born to be. I know for sure, that I found my authentic self. I know for sure that my own life lessons can help others and I know for sure that had I not stopped to take stock of myself and my life, I would be continuing to live "with the mask on" and the world would have missed out on the best and true parts of me and what I bring to humankind.
Be encouraged and know that this retreat is preparing you for the 'advance' and that you are being equipped for a higher calling and to make a deeper impact.
Blessings and Peace and enjoy the moment.
Keep letting your light shine and it will dispel all the darkness around you.
Shar