LoudenMouth

Love Boundless

This morning, walking through the woods, listening to Krishna Das, I was flooded with love for my husband, huge waves of love. Almost immediately, the thought or more of a sensation came of, "What the point?" Chris and I share a 21 year love affair and a 21 year "Are you here with me???" It's like living with the sweetest, cutest wall. Today, while there was the usual sadness and frustration, and yes, resignation, I also tried Richard Miller's Yoga Nidra technique of bringing the "I" ("I love him so much") into my heart and letting the I simply dissolve. Which, in this moment, left love. No I, only love. Then the question arose: must you love only him? For for a few moments, I let that love be, simply be, and then my little mind got all involved in its stories about why he should do this and I should do that.

This is not the first time I've experienced this. It makes me wonder if, perhaps, these waves of love we all feel from time to time are too immense for one person to absorb or reflect back-- perhaps this love is Divine love, moving through us... or not. But either way, could it be shared (dispersed, freed, showered) without attachment -- yes our attachment to "Do they get it? Do they see what I'm offering?? Does he/she/it seem what I'm capable of? " (oh that sneaky ego!) but also without it needing to be attached to one person. It can start with my love of Chris and then spread to my love of the world.

Or not.

******

Had an idea today for a series of paintings inspired by lines in songs like Bruce Cockburn "Everything is motion/To the motion be true."

Had an idea for a three month course with a book to come out of it.

I'm still too tired to get excited about these ideas. But at least my mind is waking up a tad. Okay, so it's never an issue if my mind is awake, it's that my mind is too awake and it's exhausted me!

My first "guest" blogger novelist M.J. Rose

Check out what she has to say about recharging! And learn more about her at www.mjrose.com – her new book is fantastic!

The Color of Recharging by M.J. Rose

I'm busy.

I get up around 6:30 and spend the first two hours with green tea and the Internet: catching up on the news about books, publishing, marketing, and world events, checking email and responding to anything that needs immediate attention which somehow is a lot. How can so much happen overnight? Then I'm supposed to go to the gym. This happens less than I like because sometimes  too much happened overnight. If it does happen I'm home by 11:30. Then it's an hour or two dealing with International Thriller Writers (I'm on the board), doing AuthorBuzz.com work (it's a marketing company for authors and publishers) and lunch.

At 1PM or there about I sit down to write my current novel in progress. (These days it's the follow up to my latest novel of suspense - THE REINCARNATIONIST) And other than a dog walk to break up the afternoon, I write until about 6.

Then a few phone calls with friends while I'm making dinner. Then dinner. Then more days than I'm happy to admit, lately most days, its more work until midnight or so. Either the novel, AuthorBuzz.com or working on my blog, or teaching (I teach a marketing class for authors - http://www.writersweekly.com/wwu/courses/marketing.html)

Which begs the question. If I'm working pretty much all day and often far into the night how do I recharge?

I love to paint. I don't get to do it often enough but I pick up a paintbrush as often as I can. No one sees what I do – I'm just not good. But this I do for me and it recharges me like nothing else. I think because compared to writing its physical versus intellectual and cerebral versus philosophical. Paintings, like music move you without logic. Writing and reading for that matter requires thinking, logic.

I love the movement of painting. I can stare at colors for hours, mix blues and greens into each other for no other reason than seeing them bleed together like the ocean. I love the smell of paint, the sting of the turpentine in your nose, the overwhelming scent of the linseed oil, the feel of brushes, buying new brushes and running one down your cheek and feeling that smooth silky touch of the sable I love touching thick rich watercolor paper with its tiny indentations where the color pools. And I lust after the idea that when you paint you can create something in an hour or an afternoon and look at all of it at once. See the whole. Take in all of it all at the same time.

And when I emerge from the dream of those colors, as long as I don't focus on the quality of what I've created, I'm ready to go back to work. More than refreshed, I'm spiritually and creatively recharged.

And lucky to have found a effort that feeds me and fuels me.

M.J. Rose (www.mjrose.com) is the internationally bestselling author of nine novels, on the board of International Thriller Writers, founder of AuthorBuzz.com and runs the popular blogs, Buzz, Balls & Hype and Backstory.

THE REINCARNATIONIST (Reincarnationist.org) is her most recent novel. It's a Booksense pick for September and is on sale now both online and in stores.

Sans Calendar

I finished my column for March Body+Soul yesterday and I automatically went to check it off my to-do list - done! But that list is gone.  I understood in that moment how addicted I have been to my calendar.  It felt so freeing to not be able to check it off. Free from the tangible part of my addiction to productivity!

I'm off today for a six day aurvyvedic cleanse. I've been preparing for it for two weeks - although slipped up a few times with bites of chocolate and last night, two glasses of wine and pizza. Boy that tasted good although doesn't feel so good this morning. I'm such a light weight!

Ironic

My computer did a very inexpleciable thing early this morning and ate my calendar file. All my appointments, all my speaking engagements, all the to-dos- gone. Erased. No longer. Can't find the file anywhere and I haven't backed in up in months.

I have to say instead of being totally freaked out I'm laughing. It's not that I believe stuff like this happens because God is nudging me rather I see it as an opportunity to be nudged--more retreat!

Responding to Phyllis

Phyllis wrote me today:

"I have followed your blog for a while and have your latest book too.

I know that you're doing all of this retreating in the spirit of taking care of yourself, but I have to be honest: When I read about your 9-month retreat all I experience is jealousy and resentment.

If only I could take 9 months off and just focus on myself and not worry about making money, or having a business, or sending out newsletters. If only the only things I had to worry about were a teenage daughter and a puppy. Please.

Is it because your husband is bringing in enough money for the whole family that you have this luxury or are you actually putting your financial security on the line by doing this retreat?

I'm truly not trying to rain on your parade. I just have to give voice to this frustration I feel at thinking about you relaxing, enjoying, not worrying about stuff...when over here it seems like those things aren't possible. Do you have suggestions for those of us who don't have the luxury of 9-months for retreat...or do you think it's all just a state of mind and any of your readers could do the same 9-month retreat that you're doing?

Can you get real with me about how you're giving yourself the space to do this?

How much of it is based on external circumstances (like hubby making enough to support the family so it doesn't matter if you generate more income) and how much of it is out of necessity for your own sanity no matter what cost it has to your financial picture, or your clients, or whatever?

I want to be able to celebrate your huge step toward self-care with your retreat, but so far, no matter how many times I reread your posts on the topic, I still feel angry, resentful, and jealous. What can you share with me on this? Obviously I'm stuck and hurting around it - and I'd prefer not to be."

    Thanks Phyllis for your honesty. It is so good to hear because it reminds me of when I've absolutely detested other folks (writers, friends, people I don't even know) when they've taken time off, or have support/ help in their businesses, or work and play in ways that felt like too "much" or too "easy" to me. "How nice for them," I would grouse, "but that would never be possible for me because..." Resignation was my shadow friend and "not possible for me" my linguistic clue I was forgetting I could choose. In fact, I spent years jealous as hell at another well-known self-help writer because of her self-indulgent life. If only she had____ or did she ever have to_____? She had no idea what it was like to _____!

I am not for a moment suggesting that you are doing what I did-- really, it's so huge to link what I've done in the past to this retreat choice of mine. Until September 1st, it would have NEVER OCCURRED to me I could or would take nine months off. I still can't quite believe I've declared I am-- really? Oh really, Ms. Fancy Pants Self-Indulgent Jen? Who the hell do you think you are? And really, are you taking time off or only pretending to, because you are still working!!!
            (Shush little voice, I am doing my best.)

    I am privileged. I have money in the bank. I have no debt except my house. No man is financing my retreat  (although that would be most wonderful and reminds me of  this). I've never had a man financially take care of me. What a turn on that would be!

    For years and years, I let my fear of not having enough money run my life. I let it push me and pull me--it represented safety, I guess. Being safe and being able to say "F--K off" to anyone  who tries to tell me what to do. I don't know how or even when but that fear has dropped away. Gone. (Okay, mostly gone, except if I spend too money, which is a good reminder to stop.)

    I know in every fiber of my being that this retreat is essential. I may go through a big chunk of my savings. I may discover I have nothing more to say or teach. I may discover I have something more to say or teach but no one wants to hear it. I really have no idea what will happen and I can't do anything else right now but this.

I'm also really really really curious to see how much I am willing to let go and receive. Is there any truth to this idea that Spirit will provide? That I can lean back, arms open, heart to the sky, and trust?

    (Remember too, I am working some--I decided to do this retreat without any planning so I have commitments, which is actually grand as I get to watch how I can make my work hard or how I can flow with it.
    I'm also spending as little money as possible-- which can also be grand when I remember it's my choice and because it doesn't mean choose between paying the heat or eating.)

Looking forward to everyone's comments!

What is this Retreat Thing?

I'm in an itchy/ twitchy mood-- in the midst of life, it is going to take more effort to retreat. No, not effort. Remember Jen: no forcing, no holding back. When I remember this mantra, I taste the mood/ the space / the energy I crave. Perhaps I feel so itchy/ twitchy (let's just go ahead and add bitchy): I haven't been focusing my time through the lens of "no forcing, no holding back."

Here's the thing: I don't want to make a big honking plan for this time off. I want to simply follow my nose, my heart, my curiosity and my flight rules, which I am going to jigger a tad. They were:

Do little as possible
Minimize friction
Enjoy

How about:
Do little as possible
No forcing, no holding back
Enjoy Purposelessness

To answer Rebecca's questions from a week ago will help me get focused so here goes:
I'm curious what retreat means to you? This one. What will be different for you in the next nine months? What are you doing differently? Are you stepping totally out your ordinary or are you weaving into your everyday? What are you adding? What are you eliminating? Or are you just asking/living a question?

To me, a retreat means: following my inner knowing as much as the time as possible and doing things in a different/rarefied/altered way. Traditionally, you fasted or you didn't talk or you sat in a dark cave to focus your senses, to strip away distractions and alter your ability to perceive. Cleanse the doors of perception and all that. What I have explored, and what so much contemporary spirituality is about, is how to do this work in the midst of life. So in a way, it's much more interesting and applicable to be doing this at home AND I SO WISH I WAS AT A RETREAT CENTER at least today.  :)

I have no idea what will be different for me in the next nine months. I could write a laundry list of what I want to be different but I suspect that would lead me away from my flight rules and thus from what I most need.

I'm eliminating: self-improvement, spiritual practices done in an attitude of getting enlightened or better, doing favors for people, answering all my emails, beginning any new projects, trying to figure out anything about what I want to do in the future, gobbling up learning, trying to fit into any brand or box or platform, trying to make money, trying to be smart, trying to understand difficult books, writing my newsletter or blog regularly, trying to build a business, trying to make art that means or does anything, trying to be anything other than lumpy me. Not even trying for that.

I'm adding: reading whatever I want and starting a million books and reading only a tiny bit and going on to something else if I don't like it, making art as a talisman not as a product, going to The Raj for a deep cleanse, seeing how I can bring this retreat into the retreat I'm leading next month and my speech in South Dakota, softening my tendency to be a hermit by saying, taking the Drawing on the Right Side of Brain class so I can move more deeply into drawing, more compassion, more compassion, more compassion, more time in nature...

So far I'm weaving my retreat into my ordinary life because like I said above, it's more interesting and let's face it: it would not be cool to leave my teenage daughter for 9 months.  That said, it's the weaving part (especially where it comes to new puppy and teenage daughter) that is not working so well for me.

I'm less of living a question than using those flight rules as mantras.

That helps me. What about you Rebecca?

Shivering Shaking

Wow - I got a whole big bunch of emails and comments on my retreat. Didn't even think about what I was asking for (how's that for un-fu*king-conscious (did you know that f*cking is the only infix in the English language and that is the only thing I remember from a college  linguistic course?)

I'm going to quote from many of your emails over these months and I'm sure as hell make art with your words and maybe I'll make a tent with your words on the inside to hide in when I'm feeling overwhelmed or when other authors and healers are doing fabulous things and I'm sucking my thumb...

Here's the first one I had to share:

Dear Jennifer,
I have never written you before, but for many years have tagged along with you on your many journeys, travels and life changes. I have yearned to go on a retreat, admired your spirit and most of all let you be an example of a women who by any standard is amazing to me. Mostly
because you are simply human and have learned to express your feelings no matter what they are or how difficult life is at the time and follow your heart and soul and make changes accordingly . Soooo.....I wonder when you ask;"What do you think? I'm a lunatic? Will you keep reading me if I'm creatively inconsistent and don't publish regularly?" What journey are you missing for yourself by worrying if I will keep reading you if you are creatively inconsistent and don't publish regularly?
What kind of lunatic are you? I hope the best the very best, a continued example of a women who follows her soul. The same women who has led me by her side through troubled times; my troubled times as well as yours. The same women who gives me permission to be a women
lunatic. Those of us who truly value what you and what you have to offer will continue to be by your side while you help guide us by example down our paths of many changes as well. YOU GO GIRL!
        With love,
                Lynda

          

LYNDA - YOU BUSTED me with this question: What journey are you missing for yourself by worrying if I will keep reading you if you are creatively inconsistent and don't publish regularly? The journey I would miss would be THE journey itself. Oh how my stomach and my throat aches as I write this-- if I did that (all that this question points to) I would miss IT that I am STARVING FOR.

Which is?

                                                PURPOSE---LESS----NESS
                                                
                                                   

Rebecca helped me see this too, when she commented on my last post:

I'm curious what retreat means to you? This one. What will be different for you in the next nine months? What are you doing differently? Are you stepping totally out your ordinary or are you weaving into your everyday? What are you adding? What are you eliminating? Or are you just asking/living a question?

I guess I ask because I'm wondering personally just how one retreats? I'm looking to identify where I want/need to go from here and have no idea how to determine it. My life has been marked by change, so much change, recently. And this must mean something, but I don't seem to have the time/ability to figure it out. I don't want to keep repeating old patterns, attempting the same things that didn't work before. And there's no way I can realistically make a run for it.

I'm going to answer you in more depth Rebecca but for now, let me say, working and retreating are a stupid idea for me at least at first. I will do my column and workshops and the audio recording release of my Bainbridge retreat with joy - yes. But otherwise, nothing. Because it's a lie that I can work and retreat right now. I've proven that to myself since September 1st (as in "Tomorrow will feel more like a real retreat") and I REFUSE REFUSE REFUSE be in the same place nine months from now.

I am filling my bowl.

                            No, I am asking for my bowl to be filled.

Comments My Latest Newsletter???

Invitation to post!

Is it possible for a newsletter that is creatively inconsistent, arrives now and then, is courageous and whose freak flag flies to be useful to you? 

Or you might want to comment:

Where, in your life, do you forget to choose?

What are your linguistic clues you aren't choosing?

Is ease a true signal or just a bullshit story?

Take your pick! Or blather on about something else entirely.  I'm open!

Retreat Week One

What retreat?????

Oh how aware I am of the forcing part of me. Teeth slightly gritted, leaning forward, eager and curious yes but also hurrying, greedy, frowning. Sort of like this--

Oh how aware I am of how this naturally curious part of me crosses an invisible line into hurrying, pushing, forcing and how this exhausts me. Not as aware of when I cross, more after the fact when I'm feeling more like this--

My intention for my retreat is the beloved Rilke poem, from the Book of Hours:

            I believe in all that has never yet been spoken
            I want to free what waits within me
            so that what no one has dared to wish for
            may for once spring clear
            without my contriving.

            If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
            but this is what I need to say.
            May what I do flow from me like a river,
            no forcing and no holding back,
            the way it is with children.

            Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
            these deepening tides moving out, returning,
           I will sing you as no one has,
            streaming through ever widening channels
            into the open sea.

Week one has been about awareness of my almost constant propensity for forcing, and how very tentative the body and mind and mood of no forcing, no holding back is for me. When I walk/run/dance in the woods, I inquire "What might no forcing, no holding back feel like right now?" During yoga practice, during art making yesterday, hanging out with Lilly, I inquire... I don't try to make it happen (yeah for me), I get very curious and I feel how shy and beyond words, no more than a whisper at this point, this juncture is for me.

I've taken to writing my to-do lists on the Brain Trust forum (the brain trust is Molly, Michele, Michael and Mark and we have a forum where we post what we are doing for the day as well as share questions, support, and resources) by highlighting in red what I'm doing that day but aren't fully excited about or could be letting go of... so that's helping.

It's a whole new animal for me: a working-and-in-the-midst-of-life-retreat. Yet exactly what I need as so much of my grim grinding flatness seems to be rooted in my forcing of my creative work.

I am basking in your support and comments - so wise! So generous! So poetic! I'm receiving, receiving, receiving.

Whatever is

Whatever can come to a woman can come to me
Whatever can happen to anyone can happen to me
                                                Muriel Rukeyser